This is not a parody song. It is a humorous poem I wrote in sophomore year in which a local snowball fight escalates into a full-scale modern war. Some of my friends found it somewhat funny. Enjoy!
‘Twas winter break, and all the children were free
To play in the snow with great joy and great glee.
School was now over, all over the nation;
All the parents were gone on romantic vacations.
/
All over the town, boys and girls went outside
And savored the fun they’d till then been denied.
They lay in the flurry and carved out snow angels;
They sculpted out snowmen which they seldom mangled.
/
They took snow in hand and made snowballs, they’d done,
And they had friendly fights; it was all good clean fun.
But someday, somehow, it all came crashing down,
And a terrible conflict engulfed the whole town.
/
For the North and the South sides of town were not friends.
Far from it: they were both foes to the bitter end.
For some reason, no one remembers what for,
The North and the South declared total snow war.
/
Both sides, they raised armies, and regiments too;
Sergeants and generals they picked from their crews.
Each morning the girls watched their brothers march out
In ranks and files, ready to bring utter rout.
/
In the roads and the fields, they met and they fought
With snowballs in hand, which they threw quite a lot.
So hard were the snowballs, their speeds were so high,
That any child hit by one instantly died.
/
Soon, the boys started fighting in linear formation,
And lines became trenches, cesspools of damnation.
The boys would spend days on end crouched in the slop,
E’er dreading the hour they’d go “over the top.”
/
They raided the Little League for pitching machines
To throw snowballs much farther than most other means.
They stole cars and trucks to add to their ranks,
Put pitching machines on them, called them snow tanks.
/
They raised up snow navies to fight on the lake
And stole all the motorboats that they could take.
They fought day and night in fleets, firing without sleep,
And quite a few drowned in the icy blue deep.
/
Ere one week had passed, many boys were now dead,
And the snow with their blood had been stained a deep red.
But the North and the South sides were not satisfied:
Each swore not to rest till the other’d all died.
/
They logged onto their parents’ eBay accounts
And purchased hang-gliders in awesome amounts.
They had snowball dogfights in three-story air
And went on ice-chunk air raids that none could repair.
/
They had chemical warfare which no one could miss
Using terrible “yellow snow,” snow mixed with urine.
They made bio-weapons by coughing on snow,
But that wasn’t all: to the end they did go!
/
Both sides dialed China and purchased in secret
Uranium pellets, so their oath they could keep it.
They took bunches of pellets and packed them in flurry,
Stuck them on model rockets, off they went in a hurry!
/
Great fiery arcs were seen all o’er the town.
Where they landed, radiation struck everyone down.
So strong were these weapons, the death that they sended,
That in just two brief minutes, the war it was ended!
/
When the parents arrived, they were sore shocked to see
A great blackened waste unfit for you and me.
Not a movement was seen, not a whisper was heard,
Except for the crawls of a five-legged bird.
/
It could have been stopped before it had started.
With just a few talks, in peace they’d have parted.
They could have just thought how to change their ill fate,
Mark Starman in the 21st Century 